Day 3 – 8:10 a.m.

It’s third day after the breakup. I still feel like shit. I haven’t cried yet today which is an improvement. However, I somehow feel worse. I am sad. Maybe it would be better to say I have sadness, because it feels like something I have inside me. It fills me with cold.

And fear.

He was the first guy I moved in with, he gave me home. And now it feels like I have nothing. I had to move back to my mum’s apartment as I don’t have enough money to live on my own and though I called it home few months ago, right now the place just does not feel like it anymore.

He also gave me future. He was the guy I wanted to marry and have family with. That was the plan. And now there is nothing. A great glaring nothing which lies ahead. I know someone might say I see it the wrong way, that there is actually everything ahead. That I can do anything and that is what scares me. Before, there were some possibilities and roads highlighted by the relationship and where it was going. Now there is this infinite chaos of opportunities which is overwhelming. Every time I start to think about what to do, I just feel this pressure coming down at me and suddenly I can’t breathe. I have to stop, take a deep breath, and the tension loosens a bit.

I still can’t believe it happened. On Saturday I had everything, then came Sunday afternoon and there was nothing.

I have to get this out, otherwise, I feel like it is going to suffocate me.

Thank you for listening,

T.

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