Day 4 – 14:44

I’d say I feel a bit better. I still can’t stop the tears when someone asks about him, but I didn’t have to run away to bathroom to cry today.

I feel this deep sadness within me. It’s not like I “only” lost my boyfriend, my partner, but I might lose a friend as well. You know it is not easy for me to find friends. I am a bit shy, I don’t like to show off, so people tend to overlook me when they meet me among bunch of others. It is not until they really talk to me that they realise I am interesting and actually fun and nice to be around. People have to put some effort into getting to know me, getting closer to me, and that I think is the problem. Not many people seem willing to take this trickier road. Then there is also the fact that many people (women or men) in a relationship find it easier to just stick with their significant other in this “safe cage” and don’t like to share their time with other people. Family, perhaps, but that’s enough. Trust me, I know how nice it is to stay hidden in your home with the one you love. I was blissed to do it as well. But not all the time. You alienate from your friends and don’t even give a chance to someone new who could enrich your life in some way.

But I am not here today to blame others for my lack of friends. What I meant to say is that I only have few close friends, three to be precise. I am lucky enough to have wonderful sister and mother, so that makes five people who love me for who I am. And my boyfriend was the sixth one. He was my friend. I could tell him anything and he would listen. I didn’t have to hide my bad moods. We could talk about all kinds of topics and even if he didn’t share my opinion, he wouldn’t dismiss it as “wrong.” For a time he was my best friend, he knew everything that was happening to me and was always there for me, and that was everything to me. And now I fear that I will lose this connection.

Of course, you might say that this happens all the time. People break up, they separate their paths and that is it. It’s over. The end.

Well I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose a friend just because the relationship didn’t work out and by that I don’t mean to diminish what we had. It was love, we both felt it, and I am so very sorry that it had to end, because I believed it was going to last forever. I couldn’t fight for that, there is no way you can fight for feelings to come back, but I will do my best to fight for the friendship. Friends are too valuable to me to be given up.

I may seem naive, but I’d rather be that than a proud loner.

Thank you for listening,

T.

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